 I really just wanted this to be the image that pops up for this blog entry. It has very little to do with anything except my nightmares now. Today Kadek was scheduled to pick us up at 9, so we were sure to be ready when he actually arrived at 8:30. He had planned out a route for the several things we wanted to do today, ostensibly to avoid traffic which, in Bali, is akin to trying to avoid getting wet while swimming. Or first stop was "The Big Statue", so named because it is, indeed, a BIG statue. It's actually the most noticeable landmark when you land at the airport, though it's actually many miles away from the airport. I mean, it's massive. We arrived at GWK Cultural Park (where the statue is located) very early and, mercifully, ahead of any crowds. This would prove to be in direct contradistinction to the end of our day, which we shared with 73.6 million other people on monkey-infested cliff overlooking the ocean. The Cultural Park is a surreal place. The bedrock of the entire area has been carved away so I suspect that from the sky, the area looks like a giant checkerboard. You walk through man-made alleys with 50' sheer stone cliffs on every side of you. It's stunning.  The big statue lives up to its name. I mean, that thing is huge. It's a massive statue of Lord Vishnu riding on a huge eagle. Kadek explained that several people had died during its construction because "construction isn't very safe in Bali", which should get some sort of understatement of the millennium award. I've seen people welding in flip flops with no eye protection, running huge stone cutting saws dressed the same way, and hanging precariously off cartoonishly unstable scaffolding, high above the ground. To hear that people had died during the construction of this statue is sad, but inevitable.  Here we are with Kadek. I know; it doesn't look that big here. Hold on...  Big, right? For a sense of scale, the horizontal ledge beneath the actual statue is about 150' across. This thing is gigantic.  Inside the base of the statue is a museum with about 2 dozen glass cases containing sculptures of the Hindu pantheon. They were made by a variety of artists with varying and eclectic artistic sensibilities and levels of ability. Kadek gave us a really fascinating overview of what each statue represented. I won't even try to relate it here, primarily because I was totally distracted by a small group of employees who were valiantly trying to remove some sort of rodent from the base under one of the sculptures. Please just enjoy the visuals. While recovering from the sculptures, we explored the exquisite grounds of the cultural park, which included mock-ups of The Big Statue as well as several other fun statues and beautiful temples. And, of course, Instagram people. After exiting through the gift shop, we headed off to Tanah Lot Temple, which we were very excited to see. We stopped for lunch at a quiet restaurant set in rice fields. I had Gado Gado, which is tempeh, tofu, vegetables, and peanut sauce.  What are vacation photos without random lunch pictures? We also got to enjoy the elaborate intricacies of the Balinese electrical grid on our drive. It's really quite incredible. Tanah Lot Temple was absolutely amazing. It is a series of many temples, all set along the dramatic cliffs of the Indian Ocean. We wandered through narrow pathways lined with vendors selling wooden penises and watched the waves crash gloriously on the cliffs. In one memorable moment, we also saw the waves crash on a group of old ladies posing for an Instagrammy photo in front of the barriers that clearly warned of high water and dangerous tides. A spectacular wave thundered in and sent them scattering and shrieking. it was wonderfully amusing. For me. Not them. In fact they didn't seem very amused at all. For as crowded as the entrance to the temple complex was, most of it was really lovely and not crowded at all. It was a huge area that was delightful to explore. When we were done, we met Kadek, who was making new friends in the parking lot. We headed off to our final stop for the day, Uluwatu Temple, where we will fight off monkeys and watch a Kachak fire dance. We were supposed to go to the turtle conservancy, but opted to postpone that because of the traffic. I know I keep harping about it, but it is just amazing.
Pura Uluwatu is a seaside temple known for gorgeous sunsets, fiercely aggressive monkeys, and the Kechak fire dance that they perform there in an open-air amphitheater. It was 26 miles from Tanah Lot to Uluwatu and the drive took over 2 hours. We were exhausted when we arrived, we hadn't had dinner, and sadly, I have no idea how to properly prepare monkey. We finally found a parking spot and Kadek graciously ran ahead to buy us tickets for the dance while we bought tickets for the temple itself. He found us again and handed us tickets. "Your show starts at 7," he explained. "You should get in line by 6:30." Wise words, Kadek. Wise words. The temple at sunset, as promised, was spectacular. Here are some photos, including my behind-the-scenes "carefully cropped" and "actual view" photo comparisons. Everything - absolutely everything you read about Uluwatu temple warns you about the aggressive monkeys. They will steal phones, hats, food, and glasses off your face. The entire evening was punctuated by shrieks and screams of people who did not heed the warnings, engaged with the monkeys, and got their stuff stolen. It was delightful. At about 6:30 we got into line for the dance. Soon, we were smooshed in with hundreds and hundreds of people, all gently pressing inexorably forward toward the gates. That were closed. We stood there, a solid, sweating, throbbing mass of humanity for over 30 minutes. Occasionally, shrill shrieks and screams would alert us to monkey activity in the area and we would watch as people tried in vain to get back their personal belongings. Monkeys, you may be surprised to learn, do not respond to pleading in any language. I suspect they have a thriving black market operating where they sell stolen hats, glasses, and electronics.
Soon, but not soon enough, the gates opened and, as the Australians might say, people lost their fuckin' minds. There was a general stampeding rush into the amphitheater as if there were a pack of wild monkeys chasing people and stealing their phones. Kerri and I avoided any serious bodily injury and managed to score some great seats on the floor level right next to the stage. And that's how I wound up dancing with a Barong a short time later. The entire dance was amazing. It started with a group of men coming out and chanting "Chek! Chek! Chek!" in layered polyrythms. That's how the dance gets its name.  It was really amazing. If you don't believe me check out how fascinated the lady next to me was:  Because I am nosy, I looked at hat she was reading. She was reading a Wikipedia article about the dance that she never looked up at once.  There were graceful dancers in traditional outfits, their graceful movements all telling a story that I couldn't begin to understand.  And then a great, huge demon scooped me up from my seat and we partied.  Bustin' a move with a demon.  The demon whispered secrets to me. Here, he is saying, "Thanks, boss." Yes. Really.  And then there was a monkey, of course.  And then the torches came out and things really got lively. The dance was really fun. The audience was not. I have to bitch a bit here. As a guy that basically presents to people for a living, I've seen a startling decline in audience behavior over the past few years, but the people here were awful.
Many of them had loud conversations throughout the entire performance. And at the end, many, many people started getting up before it was actually over, I assume, to avoid a line getting out. The only way out, though, was across the stage. Where the performers were still performing. I actually saw one guy go up to a dancer, WHO WAS STILL DANCING AND SINGING, and throw his arm around him so his wife could take a photo. It was jaw-droppingly rude. I know. I know. It was a beautiful place and the performance was incredible and I should focus on that, but wow, people. Just be cool. When it actually ended, we found Kadek and, perhaps because so many people left early, we got out of the parking lot with no trouble. The 12 mile ride back to the resort took over an hour because of traffic, but we got there safely and, after a healthy dinner of sweet crackers and Biscoff spread, we dropped into bed, exhausted. Tomorrow, we will finally get to see those turtles. I hope.
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