Bali Day 3: Elephants, Monkeys, A Bat, and A Toilet for the Holy Man

This is not the bat cave, dude. Go home.

Today started off like every other day so far. Wet. But in addition to the rain, there was a bat sleeping on one of the chairs, so that was exciting. And, possibly dangerous?
I don't know. I'm not a batologist.
"Hey, Kerri?" I called into the bedroom. "Did we get rabies vaccines before we came?"
We did have to get a few vaccines before traveling, but I couldn't remember which ones. We were also given prescriptions for an anti-diarrheal medication in case we get traveler's diarrhea, which, apparently, is not the same as regular diarrhea. When I asked the doctor how we'd know if it was traveler's instead of the regular variety, she just said, "Oh, you'll know.", which was somewhat ominous. 
Kerri didn't answer right away.
"Did we?" I asked again.
"Are you drinking Arak again?"
"Not yet. Did we get rabies vaccines?"
"I think you get shots for rabies after you get rabies. Wait. Why?"
"No reason," I answered. "Are you ready for coffee?"

Kerri crept stealthily out of the bedroom, peering from side to side like a cartoon villain about to rob a bank. "Why are you asking about rabies?"
I pointed to the bat on the chair. To her credit, Kerri did not then act like a 1940's cartoon lady, screaming and hiking up her skirt. Probably at least in part because she wasn't wearing a skirt like I was.

Settle down. I know it's not a skirt. It's my new sarong. I was trying it on when I discovered the bat. To my credit, I did not hike it up and hop around like a 1940's cartoon lady, either.
We decided to just let the bat sleep while we had breakfast. Ayu and Komang had arrived. Ayu cooked while Komang cleaned the bedroom.
As people who have never had domestic servants besides our kids, it was weird for us to have people cooking and cleaning for us. I asked Ayu if she needed help and she looked at me as if I had suggested that she cook the bat with peanut sauce.
"No," she said, shaking her head and muttering Balinese under her breath. She tested me on my pronunciation of "Good morning" and seemed to find it adequate. I asked her how to say, "Please direct me to a health clinic, I seem to have contracted rabies." but I don't think she understood what I was asking for. Or, more likely, she did and she ignored me. That's the usual response I get from people.

I am a super model.

After breakfast, we said goodbye to the bat and headed off with Kadek for another thrilling adventure. Today, we were going to put out sarongs into action and go see some temples AND the Ubud Sacred Monkey Forest. But first we had to get there, which meant more driving through the insanity of Balinese traffic. I honestly cannot understand how 50% of the drivers on the roads are not killed in horrific accidents every day.
It was common to see entire families on scooters. Generally, the baby up front, standing and smiling at the oncoming traffic, dad driving from behind the baby, an older child holding tightly to dad, and mom, her legs draped casually over one side of the scooter, texting as they zipped through the traffic like warung food through a tourist's colon.
Here are some thrilling street scenes:

There seems to be a large statue at nearly every road intersection.

And some of them are HUGE!

This guy has his entire restaurant on his scooter.

Our first stop was Goa Gajah Temple, a historic Hindu water temple that was hand-carved in the 9th century by people who clearly had too much time on their hands. When we arrived, Kadek helped us tie our sarongs properly. Apparently just wrapping it around me like a towel wasn't going to cut it. "Men wear them like this," he explained, adjusting it in a way that didn't seem any different from what I had done, but he was the expert and I'm a guest in the country.
We headed toward the ticket booth - it still seems strange to me that there are ticket booths for actual operating temples. These aren't just tourist attractions. They are all places where people go to pray. We hadn't even bought tickets when it started to pour. We dashed under a roof near the bathrooms to try to stay dry. After a minute or so, Kadek came running over, proffering us two umbrellas.
"Yay! Thanks, Kadek!" we cheered.
It was very thoughtful, but mere umbrellas were useless against the tropical downpour. We got thoroughly soaked as we walked toward the ticket booth. And, just when we were completely soaked, the rain stopped almost completely leaving us dripping and steamy.
The actual temple is located in a deep, lush gorge. A long, winding stairway brings you to the main area, where several small buildings surrounded the sacred water pools. There, koi swam in water so shallow that at some points, they actually had to swim on their sides to stay beneath the water.

Welcome to our temple!

Well, most of you, at least...

The view of the main complex from the entrance.

The same area, but from the EXIT!

Guards to deter devils.

Inside the newer temple area. Check out the carving over the door on the back wall.

Gorgeous statuary.

The sacred pools.

Sacred pools, but from the other side!

As we wandered, we were approached by a guide who offered to give us a tour. "Then you pay me money!"
We politely declined and set off to explore on our own. It was possibly a mistake, as there were almost no signs explaining what we were looking at, so anything I write here is wild conjecture and, most likely, totally wrong.

The mouth of The Elephant Cave.

Kerri, modeling her fancy sarong.

The mouth of the cave is literally a mouth.

The elephant statue from which the cave gets its name. I don't think it's Ganesha, but I'm probably wrong.

The cave was small and dark, as one would expect a cave to be. After poking about a bit, we wandered out to explore the rest of the area. It was set up in a rough sort of path, designed to lead visitors through the complex and then back to the parking lot where vendors can offer to sell you cheap crap that nobody needs.
What is striking to me in Bali is the juxtaposition of stunning natural beauty and horrific filth and trash. Along the path, we passed gorgeous plants and flowers, piles of festering trash and, oddly, a toilet just for the holy man.

Spirit gates are everywhere in Bali. they protect against evil spirits entering.

I love these floating temples in small, shallow, man-made ponds.

The holy man gets his own toilet. Frankly, he can have it.

Honestly, this toilet was so filthy, you would have to have divine protection to survive a visit.

Let's cleanse our eyes by looking at the floating temple. But from the side!

And here, in the middle of this sacred Hindu temple, a Buddhist temple?

As we continued along the path, searching for the Buddhist temple, we ran into more vendors, cleverly concealed in a deep jungle gorge along the pathway. Two women sat in separate stalls, each crammed with trinkets and carved wooden figures. And that's when it started to pour again.
Fortunately, the vendors had roofs.
Unfortunately, we were alone with them and the REALLY REALLY wanted us to buy things.

Can I interest you in a carving of the Lord Ganesha? A likeness of the enlightened Buddha? A holy Christian angel figurine? No? Then how about a wooden carving of a 13 inch penis?

We politely passed, but the downpour didn't. We escaped and cowered under the roof of an empty stall nest to theirs, but they kept popping out and proffering their wares in the rain.
"Hey, Lady? You want tree? No? Buddha? No?"
Finally, we relented and bought a small hand-carved Buddha and a small tree of life carving. We got to try our haggling skills, which are very, very weak. We bought them for 150,000 IRD each (about $9). They would have been a bargain at a quarter of the price, but we like them and now our souvenir shopping is almost done!
Once we bought something, the vendors were very happy to continue trying to sell us more things.
Soon, two more tourist suckers wandered into their lair and we fled, our tiny umbrellas comically unfit for duty against this torrential rain.
We wandered along the path in search of the Buddhist temple, admiring the small shrines and temples along the way. We soon came to a small, but raging waterfall.

The path is concrete with a beautiful pattern of stones set into it.

The lush vegetation is even more beautiful than a holy man's toilet.

I don't know what this is, but it was very cool looking.

The waterfall is part of Elephant River.

This sign, "GO TO ELEPHANT RIVER" looks like a trap that a cartoon dog would set for a cartoon cat.

And, indeed, the path the sign pointed to would take you to the river: quickly, violently, and with much screaming.

We narrowly avoided a shrieking, howling tumble into the roiling water where you would definitely drown under the lovely waterfall and finally found the Buddhist temple.

We found our way back to the car and apologized to Kadek for dripping all over his car. We were soaked, but we had more places to visit, so let's go...


...sit in traffic!

Our next stop was just a few miles and a few hours away. Taman Ayun Temple is a UNESCO world heritage site.That sounds super impressive and if I were a better, more responsible human, I'd know what it actually means. It's important. I know that.
The temple complex (I keep using that phrase because many of the "temples" are actually large areas with many buildings where people are welcome to visit; the actual temples within these complexes are all off limits to visitors who aren't there to give offerings and worship) was very neat and well maintained. There were moss-covered stone paths through large bamboo stands and beautiful gardens. The slippery paths were covered with writhing swarms of caterpillars that it was nearly impossible to avoid stepping on. They made a festive crackling sound as they popped underfoot, giving the afternoon stroll a queasy, sickening element that I will work hard to wash from my memory with Arak.
In a likely moment of instant Karma, after assiduously trying and failing to avoid stepping on caterpillars, I slipped and fell hard on the right hand. I bent my thumb back in a gruesome way. I was certain that I had broken it and, having seen a few of the local health care facilities, began contemplating how best to amputate it, which seemed the safest option. I had  decided on nail clippers as my only viable option when I realized that my thumb was moving fine. It hurt badly, but probably isn't broken. I'm certain that Tylenol and Arak will prove medically efficacious.
The actual temple is a beautiful island in the middle of a small, man-made pond, protected by fences and embankments. It has a large assortment of intricate, thatch-roofed structures that tower skyward in an ever shrinking series of roofs. There are away an odd number, raging from 3 to 11. No. I don't know why.
Here are a bunch of random photos from the temple complex.

The entrance is over a lovely bridge.

Guarded by statues.

And the tourism police, which are, apparently, a real thing.

This may be one of the tourism cops. I'm not sure.

Many of these statues are not nearly as old as they appear. the climate here takes its toll and ages things quickly.

Once past the tourism police, there is a stunning spirit gate.

With more gorgeous statues.

And another large, intricate gate.

This one has beautiful wooden doors.

This is a model of a Barong, a lion-esque good spirit.

And it's completely decorated with seeds. I kept expecting the corn to pop in the heat. I might be a fun snack concession - BarongPop™!

This guy is likely protecting the Barong-Pop™.

The actual temple, located on a man-made island, is not accessible to tourists. At least, not ones who aren't really good swimmers.

But you can get close and see how amazingly beautiful the buildings are.

These are some of my favorite structures in bali. When I asked what they were called, several guides just said "Temples."

I adore the look of them.

This is the biggest bamboo I've eber seen. the building at the bottom is the size of a gazebo.

Can you spot the monkey? No? That's because there isn't one there.

Shri Devi statue.Not made of popcorn, sadly.

I know that my "Spot the Monkey" gag was obnoxious, but it was for a reason (beyond the fact that I am obnoxious). Our next stop is the Ubud Sacred Monkey Forest. We hopped in Kadek's car and we headed off to watch monkeys groom each others buttholes.
I mean, that wasn't our main purpose in going, you understand, but it sort of turned into a theme throughout our visit to the forest. When you arrive, you are greeted with some of the tourist world's greatest signage.

Welcome! Prepare to see unprecedented levels of butthole grooming.

I couldn't get a photo without the ghostly reflection of me, but it's worth the read.

And for the graphic novel crowd...

Possibly the greatest infographic ever.

Once finished reading the signs telling you that the monkeys are going to steal everything you own, including your soul, you enter the park through a dark, slippery tunnel.

What could possibly go wrong? Of course there are no monkeys waiting to ambush you and sniff your butthole. Just come on in!

This is glorious statue sits along the path as you enter the tunnel. I would give a handful of my teeth to have this alongside my driveway.

Once inside, it was a delightfully hot, crowded mess of people from all over the world, pushing and jostling one another to get pictures of monkeys examining themselves in ways that are not socially appropriate in most human societies. Kerri started to get a bit skittish after seeing 2 people get jumped by monkeys.
"Jeez, "I sighed. "It's not like they have knives or something."
"They just took that lady's phone! And her glasses!"
"She still has her scalp, though, so that's a good thing." I said. "It's fine."

I enjoyed watching the people react to the monkeys even more than I enjoyed the monkeys. One kid, maybe 8 years old, was gleefully singing at the top of his lungs with a heavy German accent, "That monkey is sniffing the other monkey's butt!" over and over again. He was clearly in a religious sort of fugue-state brought on by utter, blissful delight. I almost joined him because it was true.
And it was hilarious.
There were lots of monkey shenanigans, some monkey fights, some monkey lovin', and a whole load of deeply personal grooming.

Groooomin', on a summer afternoooon!

The baby monkeys were weirdly adorable.

If you thought I was stressing the butt sniffing theme unnecessarily hard, you are wrong. I wasn't stressing it enough. There's even a statue of a monkey sniffing another monkey's butt.

Taking this photo is the bravest thing I have ever done. those little dudes were duking it out right behind my head. The poo could start flinging at any moment!

I kept seeing signs pointing toward "Graveyard" and "Cremation Place". I was morbidly curious, thinking that they maybe buried dead monkeys, so naturally, I followed the signs.
I was very, very wrong.

Kadek explained this to us on the car ride home. Balinese people prefer to be cremated, but most of them cannot afford it. Bodies are buried in graveyards so family members can save money. Then, when they have saved enough money, villages conduct mass cremations where they dig up the buried bodies and burn them. This village (Pandangtegal) does it every 5 years. Other villages have different schedules.

I have no idea what the village's graveyard is inside the Monkey Forest.

On the way out, I saw two statues of equal awesomeness to the butt sniffing statue. Kerri will not allow me to install these in our yard, no matter how much I begged. She clearly does not appreciate fine art.

We drove back to the villa, we were surprised to find our friend the bat, still asleep on the chair where we left it.
"Maybe it will fly off when it gets dark," I suggested.

Sleep tight, little buddy!

We were warily watching the bat and waiting for Ayu to arrive to make dinner when we realized that we had forgotten to order dinner for tonight. So we drank cocktails and I attempted to hobble together a meal from cheap, packaged ramen noodles, an onion, and a pepper, and a carrot.

At least the drinks were tasty.